My 4 Month Low - Post Natal Depression | #MaternalMentalHealth

This is a post that I’ve been meaning to write for while - it’s one that’s played on my mind and one I felt strongly about sharing, as I feel the more open we are as mummies about the challenges and struggles we face, the more we can normalise this sort of stuff, and not feel ‘odd’ or like a ‘failure’ for feeling this way. So here goes…

Becoming a mummy has been without a doubt the most amazing feeling in the world - and this by far trumps all. Yet at the same time, nothing can prepare you for it. No matter how many books you read or how many people tell you that your life is about to change, nothing. Now I don’t want any mum-to-be’s reading this to have a panic - that’s really not my intention here. Instead, I hope by sharing my journey, that other mama’s out there, who are perhaps feeling this way now, or have done so in the past, know that they are not alone. As I wasn’t.

As a get up and go/ positive kind of person, feeling low doesn’t come naturally. Yet 4 months in to motherhood, I hit rock bottom. I’ve honestly never felt so low before in all my life. I’d not slept longer than a 3-4 hour chunk (and even that was rare), I was worrying about everything, questioning my every move, I was walking so much just to get Aubs to nap and bed sharing overnight so I got some form of rest - I felt like I was constantly chasing my tale. Things quickly spiralled out of control and I just couldn’t sustain it any longer. I was struggling. A lot. My limbs ached, my mind was wired, and it felt as if my body was shutting down.

I was so tired, yet couldn’t switch off. I’d struggle to go to sleep at night for overthinking/ and googling copious first time mum questions. And after a few more weeks, I totally didn’t feel myself. I’ll never forget sitting on the sofa, crying one night, saying to my other half “I’ll be okay won’t I?”. That feeling of being out of control was like nothing I’d felt before. And I was scared.

This was definitely the turning point for me, and thankfully I acknowledged I was struggling. I think acknowledgement was the first step to my recovery. It’s almost as if in the early days post birth society expects you to have ‘down days’, yet by 4 months we should all have our s**t together? Wrong. I’m here to tell you, that if you’re reading this, and can relate to any of the above, you are most certainly not alone. You are normal.

Sleep deprivation is so so tough. Mentally and physically. And you do anything you can to survive.

Luckily I have a supportive other half and family, and a fabulous group of mummy friends who have become like my extended family to call on/ speak to/ text at 3am. Add to that our incredible mummy community online, you guys are amazing! - your DM’s and messages of support mean so very much to me - so thank you for every single one.

So what’s changed?

Naps are now a firm feature in my day and I don’t feel guilty for it, when Aubs goes down for her lunchtime nap, I aim to get in 20-30 minutes, and even if I can’t go to sleep, I try to lie and rest. I’ve been able to start working out regularly again which for me, I’ve always known helps massively with my mental health. Add to that spending time outside now it’s sunnier, and my daily dog walk, and I’m in such a better headspace.

I really do hope that by sharing this we can open up the conversation about postnatal depression, mum worries and maternal mental health, and normalise that it is okay to not be okay.

If you know a new mum, please do reach out to them, text to see how there day’s been, invite them round for a brew - or better still, take one to her, because it can be hard to reach out when in the midst of feeling low, but you never know how much that small act of kindness may help.

And if you’re a new mummy yourself and are feeling low right now, please know that you aren’t alone. Speak out. Chat with a friend. See your GP. Do whatever you feel most comfortable with. But know that you are doing an amazing job. You are an incredible mummy. Your little one loves you no matter if you’re wearing yesterdays sick infused clothes or the house is a mess, you are their world. Don’t forget that.

Have you experienced PND/ worrying postpartum? What helped you through the tougher days? Please do leave a comment below as you don’t know how much it may help the other mum reading it…